Hi, I'm Jack. I've done a lot of things in my time but mostly I've done bartending jobs in Striptease joints - by which I mean clubs where women take off their clothes for the amusement of men. I liked the hours, I liked the people (except for the sleaze-bags) and I liked the scenery. Okay, in Man Alive, it's guys getting their gears off and, generally, a better class of punter but some situations are just the same. Here's a few examples:




Situation: Good looking, well-dressed woman buys a couple of drinks which cost twenty bucks. She gives me a fifty, winks sexily and says "Keep the change". I have to make a judgement call, then and there; Is she a bit merry and feeling generous? - Fine, I say "Thanks" and keep the money. Does she think I can 'fix her up' with one of the guys? - I put the tip aside and wait - I'll give it back if she puts the bite on me, and hey, she may get tipsy and forget. Does she think she's putting a downpayment on Jack? I give her the change quick smart - nothing ruins control of the bar faster than a bunch of women all thinking they own a piece of Jack.

Situation: The phone goes and some really irate guy says "Is bloody Sally there?" (In a Striptease joint it woud'a been "Is bloody Fred there?")
You can't say "wrong number" because the sound of screaming women kinda gives the place away. If you say "Look pal, there's a hundred women here and I'm too busy to go looking for Sally" sometimes he decides to come down and look for himself and a joker's size is very hard to calculate over the phone. What you usually do is put your head back and bawl "Sally?!" as loud as you can, so he knows you're making an effort. If Sally fronts up then you quietly suss out how she wants to play this. Of course she might just grab the phone and yell "Yeah, I am down here you prick! And what's more I'm never coming home!" This is as good a time as any to hang up. Then you call the cops, just in case.

Situation: The bride-to-be has had quite enough to drink. She's just been up on stage tango-ing with Daniel and now she's very hot and bothered and back at the bar demanding another Cosmo, and make it snappy. Easiest thing to do would be to say "Coming right up!" but apart from the fact that the law has something to say about the situation, I hate serving drunks, and especially drunk brides-to-be. So I take a big breath and say "Sure you wouldn't like a coffee?". At this point the conversation can go one of two ways - the nice way and the ugly way. The nice way ends up with her saying. "No sugar, thanks". The ugly way ends up with her saying "you can't manhandle me like this you gorilla! My fiancee's a lawyer and when he finds out about this he'll blah, blah, blah..."

The odds are about fifty fifty. It ain't easy being Jack