Surely my most memorable moment was the epiphany, when Melissa convinced me to abandon preaching the gospel on the streets, and to take up stripping as a path to righteousness.

She told me my new ministry would involve public nakedness and giving pleasure to women. Naturally I feared I was being led from the path of righteousness. I saw myself as a citizen of Sodom (Numbers 4:22) my eyes blinded to God by lust and lechery (Deuteronomy 42:12) but Melissa pointed out that God's wondrous work is evident in the beauteous form of man, and the public display of bodies was a wondrous way of bearing witness to the wonders of creation.

It was a persuasive argument, plus she looked into my eyes and I went all gooey in a way that felt deeply religious, or at least very, very good. Yet I still had doubts. Twelve years of nomadic childhood, wandering from Bible camp to Bible camp with a deeply religious mother can't be erased with just one look into a woman's eyes, even if that woman is Melissa. So I looked again, and prayed for a sign. Hallelujah, I went light in the head and fell straight into a nearby fountain! But I emerged baptised into the church of Melissa the good, Melissa the righteous, Melissa the beautiful. Now if I could just get her to take a bit more notice of me....